OK. I’m fed up. Now, I just need to work out why and what I’m going to do to fix it.
I’m struggling to get ready to have this baby. I don’t seem to be moving forward in either my mental or physical preparation and it’s beginning to really worry me.
I think somehow I have built up how well Anton’s birth went, and how peaceful I felt afterwards and I want that again but can’t see how I can get there. Perhaps my memory is playing tricks on me though because I do also remember bursting in to tears when I tried to build a model of a Roman town with the boys two days after the birth and then trying to host a gathering and spending all the time trying to calm the baby. I did seem to get enough sleep on the whole though (thanks to the lie ins Joth has always let me have) but it won’t be so easy this time. Joth was able to be around quite a lot for a while but I can’t see how he can do that this time as life is full to bursting and we’re already feeling stretched now that e he’s doing support while they are properly using the software and other orchestras are looking at it and that’s not going to get easier for the foreseeable future. I haven’t even talked about any of this to Joth as I know he’ll just try to take more on and he can’t actually do any more than he does, but then I get frustrated because he doesn’t seem to know how I feel but how can he when I haven’t told him?! I think if I do tell him he’ll try to “fix it” and make himself more stressed.
I also remember how hard work it is having two little ones close together in age when the older two were small and am nervous about getting as low again as I was at certain stages, particularly when I was trying to control Lucas’ eczema and he seemed so miserable. And that is even without the worries about the baby being OK which I think must be the crux of it all. Having a baby is a worrisome business and hormones are riding high after all.
I wish the state of the house didn’t bother me but I find myself looking around thinking that I just can’t give birth in this mess. I’ve been really trying to tidy this week but every time I get somewhere it is undone again before I blink and it’s just not easy to tidy when it’s so difficult to move fast or pick things up, let alone clean.
I prepared well for Antons birth because I was hoping it would be a better experience as my first home birth than the other two had been and it was. I think I’m worried it will be worse again this time. How ridiculous that sounds when people have such difficult experiences to get over and I’m just worried that it won’t go as well as it did last time.
It feels really “wrong” to be harping on about any of this because this is a baby who is very much wanted by all of us (although I shouldn’t really speak for Anton yet) but it’s the very fact that I am feeling worried and low instead of happy and excited that is bothering me. Having said that for the first time I have just allowed myself to imagine sitting here with a healthy baby in my arms and I can tell that it’s really not being able to be sure that that will happen that is what is really bothering me. I feel we have been so lucky already that I shouldn’t be chancing having another baby.
I’m not quite sure why I’m making such a meal out of this because I usually have the energy to just get on with things and I feel I’m making the problem bigger by talking about it and taking valuable energy from the task in hand but ignoring it hasn’t made it go away. I wonder whether I am quite the optimist I like to think I am. I think that not allowing myself to visualise it all going OK and having a healthy baby is a way of acknowledging all those that have had problems. Why should I be lucky? Also, maybe I’m trying to prepare myself in case it doesn’t go well but then worry and anxiety in themselves won’t help at all, especially as they are holding me back rather than motivating me in any way.
I have just spoken to Joth about all this (as he asked what I was writing!) which of course was the right thing to do. I just hope I haven’t made him more stressed. He did have a plan of course, starting with sorting the sleeping arrangements out which will be a good start. We intend to make one room a gigantic bed by getting another mattress. He also suggested that I wind everything else down but I can’t see how I can do that. I’m still carrying on teaching as it’s only 8 hours a week and I can’t leave them in the lurch, and I have two more gigs that I must do and that’s it. Everything else is just stuff that needs doing to keep life ticking along which obviously can’t be cut down on.
It’s been a really busy weekend so perhaps I’m reeling from that. Yesterday we had a three session orchestral day starting rehearsing at 10 and finishing the concert just under 12 hours later. The Schumann symphony was quite fiddly so we had to keep our wits about it but it was good to sit next to Steve who’s one of my favourite desk partners. The Chopin piano concerto was beautiful.
Today was very hectic as I held a concert for all my pupils in a hall where they all played solos and group pieces too. As usual it went really well and you can see how proud they are when they’ve done it. Spirits seemed high anyway and I’d made a huge cake to share as it was S’s birthday. I was so impressed that he was happy to do the concert on his birthday when I think of some of the dubious reasons that pupils occasionally drop out.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day and one thing that will definitely help is getting some sleep. I will try to recapture that fleeting vision I had of me holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms.