It’s been an up and down few days – very good on the whole but I’ve had my wobbly moments. I feel I want to know just how it’s going to work out and quite how I will manage to meet everyone’s needs but I have to just keep reminding myself that we not only have to take one day at a time but one hour at a time. For instance last night there was a moment where Anton was having an unusual tantrum and although I calmed him down he still wouldn’t stay in bed even though I knew he was tired and whereas usually I would feel confident about how I was dealing with it (whatever I decided to do) I’m now wondering if he’s feeling left out and needs more attention before he goes to bed so couldn’t make my mind up about how to deal with it. He certainly is more wobbly about the baby bit than I had hoped but I think I was hoping for a seamless transition (ever the optimist.) Anyway, all was going so wrong and then suddenly Anton went to sleep calmly, Dante gave each of the boys a wonderful calm cuddle in their beds and all was right with the world again.
This morning went wrong though because I had intended to get up at 6.30 with Anton but I fell asleep again while feeding and didn’t wake up until mid morning. Joth was working and Granny had been playing with Anton. I came down with the baby in a sling thinking that if I had both hands free to play then that would be fine but Anton wouldn’t come to me and starting crying for daddy. I gave the baby to Granny and managed to persuade him to play with me and luckily Dante slept happily for a long time and Anton and I had a great play together.
I think the fact I am feeding the baby is a real concern for Anton. Anton is wanting me to feed him more as a result but I’m hoping that will settle back to one a day again in time. I think also, lovely as it is being holiday time, it is when Anton sees that life goes on and when I can get out and about with them all again properly, that he will feel more settled again. He’s always been such a secure little chappie who has never seemed to have worries or unusual frustrations and is very easy to talk to and negotiate with. I feel really torn for him at the moment but have to remind myself that it is early days and that there is lots of good from all this to come for him too.
As far as the other boys go they are just delighted with him and are also delighted with their new Xbox 360! They’ve saved up for it and I encouraged them to go and get it on Saturday after we’d had a patch of Oscar not finding anything to do (so he just spins around a lot and flops everywhere) and it all was feeling just a little too hectic. I usually encourage him on to other things of course or get out the house but with new babe in arms it felt like if there was a good time for an Xbox then this was it.
We went out this afternoon and it was absolutely lovely to be out for the first time in the sunshine. I used the sling for the first time and it reminded me that I can feed babe and still do things. All three boys had a whale of a time including Anton who’s been much more himself for the rest of the day. They rolled down hills, flew pathetic little kites that wouldn’t fly properly and found 100 different things to do on a slide all of which Anton wanted to copy. The evening was lovely too and a friend dropped a whole meals worth of lovely home made food round which was such a lovely surprise. It will be perfect for Wednesday when Granny/Sita goes. Arrgh!
Anton didn’t really eat much tea tonight which means he’s hardly eaten at all today but Sita made us a lovely platter of smoked salmony type buffet to share with the boys and we watched Supernanny which usually provokes good discussions as I like the boys to see that parents are working stuff out and that it can be hard (even if we don’t always agree with Supernanny’s methods etc) but unfortunately this time they just found the language the young boys used funny and didn’t seem to find any sympathy for the way the family were finding it hard. I really want to help them to open their minds to being as non-judgemental as possible but I suppose most children naturally start by being judgemental and it’s just a process.
I see that I’ve hardly mentioned little Dante yet today. Everything has been elongated today: longer feeds, longer sleeps, and longer calm, alert bits. The midwife weighed him again today and said he was back up to birth weight. Two days ago they said he’d lost 10 ozs which was well within the 10% so it was fine but I was so surprised they said he’d lost any as he feeds like anything and none of mine have ever lost any weight at all so it felt unusual. I can’t help wondering if the original birth weight was wrong as the midwife said he looked like a 7 1/2 pounder before she weighed him, but then he weighed in at 8lbs 15oz. Anyway, he’s a happy little chappie and I’m loving every minute. I think he’s unutterably lovely and then he just gets lovelier. We’ve had some magical togetherness moments in the middle of the night when he goes all still and wide eyed when he listens to my lullabies. I make the most of every moment before he can tell me not to sing.