Overheating

Poor little Anton has had the most traumatic moment in his little life so far and it was all my fault.   He has a teddy that we warm up in the microwave which is filled with wheat and lavender or some such like, so that it acts like a cuddly hot water bottle.  Of course we usually do it together but tonight as I was trying to get the kids in to bed he walked downstairs saying “Daddy, Daddy” or so I thought.   I was calling down saying “Daddy’s up here, come on up and read your stories,” but of course he was saying “Teddy,” and he managed to put his teddy in the microwave, and switch it on for too long (and the turntable must have stuck in one position) so that he opened the microwave to find teddys head was just a big black crater with smoke billowing out of it.    It was quite a gruesome sight, not to mention the awful smell that will take quite some getting rid of.

He did quieten down and has gone to sleep clutching the identical bear that I had bought for the baby (so they would all have one).  He kept repeating after me “OK now, OK now.”  Poor little soul.  And all my fault.  And I keep thinking about how much worse it could have been.  Arrggh!  MUST TURN MICROWAVE OFF AT WALL.   The daft thing is we only use the microwave for popcorn and teddies (so all the teddies smell of popcorn instead of the lavender they are supposed to smell of) as I’m still not sure I trust the things.   Anton never will be now either.

Any ideas for getting rid of awful smells anyone?  I am a little worried about how toxic it smells and how that can’t be good for our household of  pregnant women, little people and asthma sufferers.

Phew!

We’ve had a much better day today and I’m feeling much more positive and would like to disown the woman that was riddled with frustration about her first born treasure yesterday.  However, in the effort to be truthful I will not delete the post.

Suffice to say, I have already put in to practise several points from yesterday in that I was clearer and calmer today about what we were doing and when.  Mind you, it is Sunday and Sundays are always easier because usually we don’t do any practise or put any specific time aside for home ed (although sometimes things happen anyway of course).

Joth also takes part of the day off and today we all had a walk/bike ride from the Pavillions along the river side.  The boys were really enthusiastic about going out today and easily managed to agree between themselves on where they wanted to go and it suited me as it wasn’t a long car journey and was just a short potter.  It’s lovely doing things with Joth too as there is someone else to share the pushing of trikes and carrying coats and putting Anton in and out the van.  I’m finding it tricky even getting myself up in to the van at the moment!   Anton went on his little push trike today and loved it and they spent hours throwing stones in the river and then playing in the playground.  It was lovely to be out.  The boys like staging crashes on their bikes so that when  you go round a corner there they are spread-eagled across the path playing dead.  I am so used to it I just stepped over them and only realised that there was a passer by after they’d given us very strange looks.  Oops.

So, it was a lovely day with a typical Sunday feel, helped along by a big roast lunch, complete with pudding (left overs from last night when we had friends round) and crumpets and Oscars chocolate cake for tea.  Now we’re off to watch “So you think you can Dance,” which always causes hilarity here as Anton joins in and struts his stuff.

NOTE:  I did  add a new point to the list of small changes that will hopefully make differences in the smooth running of our household:

iv) ask one child to lay the table for a meal or complete a task, not both, as they get on with it quicker, knowing that no one else is expected to do it.  That seemed to work today.

Boy oh Boy!

I’ve been finding O particularly difficult over the past couple of days.  Notice how I say I’ve been finding him difficult, not that he has been particularly difficult – there is a huge difference of course.   I partly blame that ridiculous TV programme called “8 Boys and wanting a girl” which I knew I should never have watched.

I have never really seen my boys as “boys”, in that I just see them as people and haven’t spent any time dwelling on gender issues (which is a good job as I am about to have my fourth boy.)  Since seeing that programme two days ago (why didn’t it also focus on women who wanted had girls and wanted boys?), which featured lots of footage of boys doing stereotypically boyish things like shooting each other and being generally boisterous while their mothers wander through the pink aisles in Toys-R-Us, I have been seeing them more as “boys” and wondering if some of my frustrations in the house are to do with being the only female.  I also feel I have been worn down by peoples reactions when I say I’m having another boy.  Don’t get me wrong, no one has said anything wrong (well, friends certainly haven’t anyway) but the general reaction is “Gosh – 4 boys!” in an incredulous tone, as if  that can’t possibly be what anyone wants, or as if I’m doing well to still be smiling.   My general excitement has been a bit dented by this and I’m starting to dread the moment when people ask if I know what I’m having.

Someone even reacted by telling me how she cried when she found out she was having a boy (she had a girl already).  The thing was, she was saying it in front of my boys.  Here I was going on about disrepect towards children in society generally and now I find myself wanting to go on about how there is such a common negative reaction towards boys.

The upshot was that yesterday I found myself wondering what “being female” means and whether I feel lacking in anything in our house.   I know it’s not about pretty and pink stuff as I’ve never been that way inclined myself but there is a nourishment that I get from my female friends.  I don’t think anyone would look to find that in their children though would they, male or female?   Children give so much to us in so many ways, but we don’t expect to be understood by them, at least not when they are young, surely.  Anyway, there is no mileage to be gained in going down this route and I’ve never really been one to dwell on things that can’t be fixed but then there is a line  of course between supressing feelings and wallowing in it and I suppose I gave this thought some room to see if there was any supressing going on.

Even today though, I find I have got my sense of proportion back.  I think being tired and achy (as you are at 8 months pregnant) doesn’t help, and neither does staying up until 2am getting all nostalgic while looking through old photos.

As far as the problems between Oscar and I go (stick with me when I say this next bit as I will be as hard on myself as I am on O) I was finding the same old things difficult:  him not listening (I think that he simply “filters” out my voice – a trick I think Joth wishes he could do) and not responding.  I think he is often very unaware, for an 11 yr old, of the need to help out or think ahead, or just be in the moment (rather than day dreaming).  For instance, when we go out, he will stand by the car instead of getting in and I find myself saying “Get in the car!”, he will let gates slam shut after him even if someone is behind him, he’ll leave his bags in the car, and he’ll drop his clothes on the floor.  He doesn’t mean to do it, he just doesn’t think.  He also spins out the simplest of tasks, literally – If I ask him to help clear up he will take one item of cutlery at a time from the table, spin around on route to the sink, and then forget what he was doing anyway.   With home ed, he often wanders off a task halfway, and often doesn’t get nearly as much done as he could in the time without me standing over him for every part.

We did find out over the summer that he has slight dyslexia (although she didn’t use that label in the report but just said Oscar is struggling with some literacy difficulties as although he is achieving age appropriately, it doesn’t tie up with his abilities) but anyway, I have always felt that I might be more of an aural processing issue which may have something to do with this situation.

We also fell out over his practise yesterday.  I once said to a friend (in his hearing) that I don’t treat him like I do my pupils.  Now, I really should learn to watch what I say.  I had a friend once who said to her daughter that she knew it was difficult for her to share her mum once her brother arrived on the scene and she said ever since then the daughter kept telling her how hard she was finding it with her brother around.    In our case, every time I ask Oscar to do something he says “You wouldn’t ask  your pupils like that,” or “You’re nicer to your pupils than me,” or words to that effect.   Yesterday we spent most of the practise discussing why me asking him to watch where his bow was (instead of the floor as he was doing) was a reasonable request, and how I would/and do ask the same of my pupils.   Now the thing that gets me most annoyed generally (and this goes for everything I can think of in the house) is time wasting.  I always feel, like every mother of more than one child must do, that there is always someone else that needs them.  I find it very difficult to have protracted arguments that are getting us nowhere fast when I can hear Anton switching on the TV (which I try to distract him from) or when I’d like to give Lucas more of a hand with whatever he’s doing.

Now, is Oscar right?  Yes, in lots of ways I am not nearly as respectful as I could/should be when I am working with him particularly in violin and I do get impatient as I expect him to get things right quickly and correct things himself  (now he is older).   I know what he is capable of and don’t let him get away with second best when I wouldn’t push my pupils as far.  I also don’t dress things up so much or try to find amusing ways to put things.  It doesn’t help though when he does his “filtering- out” trick regarding my voice, and claims he “didn’t hear me.”  If I sense that he is approaching practise with any sort of “attitude” (of the “I’m hard done by because I’m not a pupil” sort) I instantly spring in to impatient mode straight away.   So, it’s a tricky one sometimes.  We get to breaking point and he says he’s giving up and I say that’s fine if he really wants to but he should think about how much he enjoys it and how much good progress he’s made (which he is) and he comes round and we have a really good practise again (as we did today) where he works hard and I stay even tempered and we get lots done.

As far as time management goes, I said this morning “Would you like me to tell you what we have to do and when to get us out of the house (nag in other words) or shall I simply say that you have to be in the car by 8.35 or I will take 50p a minute off your pocket money as that is how much each minute of piano lesson costs me?”  They both chose the not-nagging route and were in the car by 8.30 waiting for me.  I would like to leave the money threats out of it of course but unfortunately sometimes the shock tactic works when it seems nothing else does.   I’m sure I’ve just gone horribly wrong somewhere to let it come to this.

Anyway, after getting out on time to piano and doing a good practise on violin when we got back Oscar was suddenly inspired to do some “secret cooking” and made a cake all by himself which included finding a new recipe on the internet.  It worked so much better with me not being involved at all and he was really proud of it.  I would happily step out of everything if he would show that much initiative.  He is such a beautiful, loving, funny, gentle soul that it makes me feel I shouldn’t be writing this post but I want to be honest, even about the thoughts (and deeds) that I wish I didn’t have.

Writing this blog is always useful.  I can hear another voice in my head as I write that is saying “Step out of as much as you can and give him the space to find his own way,” but then the other voice says that he always responds to the discussions we have and I just have to learn to voice things more carefully and calmly.  I think he needs direction and pointers in things like how he comes across and how the results of his actions affect others (as he doesn’t always see the connection).

I also think that writing the “bad stuff” is as important as writing the good stuff as I don’t want O to remember the times when we fell out and see no mention of it here, as if I brushed it off or didn’t spend the time agonising over it that I do.  I also think that when he becomes a parent I don’t want either of us to imagine for one second that I didn’t struggle (as I think memories can play funny tricks).

Perhaps it is also worth noting, which I seldom do, the ways in which I think I am a good parent.  I happen to think I put them first, question everything to do with my parenting (which has it’s flip side but which is my saving grace none the less), love deeply and show it often, talk honestly and openly with them, give them lots of my time and energy, and make them laugh.

And so after all that, I need a plan for moving forward:

i) don’t watch any more unhelpful TV programmes.

ii) be more clear about the times we are leaving the house, what needs to be done by when so that we can do x/y/z etc so that O can plan better.

iii) have a clearer line between practise and lessons with Oscar so that he does every other practise by himself.

iv) try and back off more, take an irritation management course or try a personality transplant.

I do think life is tougher in many ways for an older child.  I expect more from him and I make more mistakes with him.  I won’t tell him that though or I’ll never hear the end of it.

End of an era… again

I got a text today at 6pm from the BBC Phil, asking me if I could do the next three days in the Studio in Manchester, starting at 11.30 tomorrow.  For a few crazy minutes I was left wondering if it might, just might, be possible.  I haven’t been back to work for them since having Anton, in fact it is rather nice that they still ask, and with each child I decide that is the end of that era.  I remember thinking that even with Oscar – but each time there has been a way.  This time though it feels that I have wandered very far from that course, at least as far as playing for big orchestras are concerned.

We could have stayed at Grannys house although it would be very depressing being there without her (she has gone to live with my Uncle for the forseeable future) so all in all it would be a very strange few days.   I used to really enjoy a few days away every now and then for that short while after we moved but I don’t hanker after it.  The money would be more than useful though but as all that is really going to make the difference is getting Joths business off the groud and he has an important demo coming up to prepare for, that has to take priority, even over temporary money fixes.   It is unlikely now that they will ask again before the baby is born so once again – end of an era!…

Today was an odd one in lots of ways.  Lucas came with me to Antons toddler group (as we missed one yesterday) and some of the toddlers took a real shine to him.  It’s lovely how they make a beeline for older children.  Lucas just rolled playdough with them and admired their trains before reading his Dragon book.  He’s making a set of dragon top trump type cards to include in his lapbook.   It’s nice that both toddler groups I go to are relaxed about older children going along occasionally and I know Lucas loves to see what Anton gets up to.   There were some lovely mums there today so I had good chats and then when we were doing a quick shop in Totnes afterwards we met so many people we knew it took ages to get round!   We were initially keen to move here as we thought it would have a sense of community and it seems we got that right.

I was getting tired though when we hit the last shop, Morrisons.  We were still having a nice time though and funnily enough, I still thought I was being a”good” parent so it was a bit of a blow to see other people thinking differently and it reminded me why I do internet food shopping.   Lucas was being a star and carefully pushing the trolley round with Anton in it, chatting away happily, while I pushed the empty buggy, and then when we got to the checkout I realised I had forgotten something so I left Lucas in the queue having asked him to start unloading when our turn came.  I took Anton off to find lightbulbs and when we came back Lucas was unloading but he’d pushed the trolley into a barrier by the other checkout which had set off an alarm.  I apologised but the lady at the checkout rolled her eyes at the customer in front, got out to turn it off, tutted and sat down again without meeting my eye, or Lucas’.  I was wondering whether she thought 8 was too young to be left unloading a trolley and was blaming me, whether she thought he’d been careless (anyone could have done it) or whether she just didn’t like children.  If that had been me, my first thought would have been to reassure the child that “it was always going off” or something like that.  I always like to give my children even small chances like I did then to behave responsibly.   I’m sure it sounds like I am making a mountain out of a molehill but it just gave me the feeling I get sometimes, that the world isn’t really a very child friendly place.

I read a book once about a mother who’d taken her four children to Africa (I think it was called “The Lion Children?”) as she felt we look down on our children in this country and she wanted to let them work and be responsible and  be respected for the jobs they do.  She home educated them too – it wasn’t an advert for slave labour.   I think it’s a very interesting point but I suppose it would be a bit of an extreme reaction for me to get on the next plane.  I think I’ll just avoid the supermarket.

Bumps

We didn’t have a good start to the day today.  Lucas has still got his cold and I kept him off Acorns today as a precuation but his asthma seems to be OK so far (fingers crossed).  It’s just unnerving not knowing why one cold lands him in hospital and another has little effect.  I just hope he shrugs this one off.  Anton and I weren’t feeling great either but I drove everyone in (as part of the lift share).  All was fine until we came off the main road and suddenly the little roads were like an ice rink.   It was a beautiful day with bright blue sky and sunshine so it took me by surprise and we skidded over the road and in to the hedge, knocking the front bumper off the van.  Damn.

So there I was, 7 months pregnant, scrabbling around under the van, trying to tie the wretched bumper on with bits of string.  Two people stopped but only to tell me that it was even icier further on and that they were going back as a car had spun around!  A couple of other kids going to Acorns arrived too and ended up getting in my van once I’d stuck it together again so I dropped them off at the top of Sharonas hill and the six kids walked the last 1/2 mile looking like ye oldie country kids.

It’s just horrible skidding like that and feeling so out of control.  I didn’t let the kids think I was shaken as I didn’t want them to feel worried so I knocked back the rescue remedy and steeled myself for a huge garage bill (after £750 only last week).   Instead, they saw to it straight away and bolted it all back together again for a charge of £8.23!   Phew!

So we missed toddler group which was a shame because I really like that time with Anton.  Still, I did lots of good work with Lucas today and Anton had loads of stories – lots of them read by Lucas who really understands just how Anton loves to be read to and he even encourages him to count.  He can count to forty really quickly now – “One, two, three, forty!”

Keeping an eye out

Anton has had a runny nose for a couple of days and last night Luc and I started coming down with a cold.  Of course that just means keeping a close eye on Lucas.  He seemed quite low this morning and said he was too ill for piano but his breathing seemed OK and I thought I’d push slightly for piano and see how we went.

It’s always such a tricky one because with his asthma I obviously want to encourage him to be the best judge of his symptoms but I think the thought of lying on the sofa watching Tom and Jerry in his pyjamas was simply more appealing than hurrying out for an 8.45am lesson.  I also don’t want him to assume that he is always going to get worse although sometimes in the past I didn’t always recognise the early symptoms and didn’t stop him before he did too much.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he hypes it up, far from it as he’s often been far more ill than he has realised but I know there is a real balance to find in there.   I think the emotional side of asthma is just beginning to kick in for him now, aged 8, and it has started to worry him in a way that it didn’t when he was younger which is only natural.

Still, he did have his piano lesson but has had a quiet day otherwise and decided not to go round to B’s when Oscar went this afternoon.  He even reminded me we needed to do violin practise this afternoon (I have an Easter egg tree running for my pupils which seems to be doing wonders for them all!)  and did some great stuff on his lapbook which he was really proud of.  It really suits the way he likes to work and present things.  I think he’s quite artistic which I often wonder if I should encourage more somehow (seeing as I am not particularly artistic in that way).

Anyway, I don’t know if the salt pipe I have had him puffing away on all day (doing 7/11 breathing on it which the oesteopath told me about) has helped or whether the worst is yet to come (perhaps tonight) but he seems OK so far, just sniffley and as white as a sheet with those dark circles under his eyes.   What I’d give to make him really healthy.

Luv Oo

Anton told me he loved me for the first time today.  Ahhh!   He bashed me with a book by accident, stroked my forehead and said “Sorry”, then gave me a kiss and said “Luv Oo”, in just the way I do to him (well except I think I pronounce it slightly more clearly!)

There was another first today, as Joth took him to his baby swimming class while I was working which seemed to have been enjoyable for both parties.   Joth rose to the occasion of being the only man there with dignity, and an old pair of shorts because he’s lost his swimming trunks.

Our goal has always been to share more of the doing things with the children… perhaps one day we’ll be able to.   Not that we’re complaining because we feel lucky anyway.  Joth was working this afternoon while the boys were playing with R&A and he said he just loved hearing how much fun they were having and felt privileged to just be there.   The boys played with R&A all day, first at their place in the morning and then here all afternoon, spending nearly 12 hours together -and even then my two wanted them to sleep over.

I had a productive rehearsal with a quintet this morning getting a programme together entitled “Music Through the Ages” to take in to schools.  We already have a couple of dates lined up and are hoping for lots more.  The chap we’re working with is a music coordinator in schools and seems someone who really gets things done so that is fantastic and everyone is excited by the project.  I have got rather sent on the idea of finding or making some costumes, especially feather masks – don’t ask.

Anton was lovely company this afternoon when I got back.  I love the fact that at his age, the simplest thing can be exciting, and we can have such gentle, pottering sort of conversations.  He’ll rush to get his shoes on with such enthusiasm if I say we’re going to post a letter, or rush to get his apron if I ask if he wants to wash up with me.   Today we popped up the road to see my wonderful friend Katina and he cuddled some of her horse ornaments and fell asleep on her sofa while we had a lovely chat.

When he woke up we waddled and toddled off together to the midwife.  She took me by surprise because I was expecting Mandy, mother of 5 and fountain of all knowledge, and I got someone who didn’t look old enough to even know about the birds and the bees let alone the outcome of it all.   I just think everyone seems to be getting younger which makes me feel older.  It’s all very unfair.  Still, she was very efficient and didn’t hang about cooing over hearing the heartbeat on the doppler machine thing which I was pleased about, having read rather too much negative stuff about ultrasound after the scan.   I even read that the doppler things are more potentially harmful than the scans.   In this particular case it feels like reading the stuff was harmful instead because I didn’t feel convinced enough to refuse, so I’m just left to wonder if I’ve done something I shouldn’t but then that’s pregnancy all over in my experience.  Hey ho.

Much better

There now.  Today the boys jumped at the chance to do more on their lapbooks, did fantastic violin and piano practise, Lucas did maths too, I managed to play with Anton alongside and keep good tempered the whole morning and we all had lots of time to ourselves this afternoon too.  I even made a cake for tea.  Well I never.  I do believe in the calm after the storm.  Messages sink in for us all.

NOTE ABOUT CAKE – I feel I should mention that the cake was not exactly as light and fluffy as it was meant to be.  I wanted to greet the boys with it when they came in from Kung Fu, but I felt a bit sheepish about it.  I mention it because Lucas instantly knew what was called for and said “Your cooking is always lovely mum whatever it looks like.”  I think there was a compliment in there somewhere.

The end of…

Phew!  I made it to the end of the day.  Unfortunately I also made it to the end of my temper several times today and also I didn’t make it to the end of my to do list.  Actually, I didn’t make it to the beginning of it which was where it all went wrong.  I simply wasn’t organised enough today.  I’m so tired in the evenings at the moment that doing more than sitting here burying my head in cyber space on the lap top while Joth is watching TV is just beyond me but I have manage to do some preparation for tomorrow which should make it all better along with the fact that I have learnt from today (I hope).

I think the main problem today was that I wanted to give them more freedom to create their own projects (planning out the Warhammer scenery board they want to make and starting their lapbooks) but then I always want them to do it in a faster timescale than they want to.  I had planned (as usual on Wednesday) to get to Harberton in the afternoon and we had practise to do too.  Also, I was giving them my attention in order to keep them on track and so I couldn’t give the attention to Anton that I wanted to.  Bless him, he was just OK pottering but I do feel torn when I’m so taken up.  Consequently, every time they went off track (there seemed to be too much Warhammer surfing going on as part of their “research” in to scenery) I got impatient.  We did make some decisions in the end but even that was tricky as Oscar, as usual, has such ambitious plans that it “seems” initially impossible to carry them out.   I think though that we will find a way, and already, now he’s asleep and the house and I are calm again, I see his ambitious ideas as wonderful enthusiasm, and not the plan designed to test my patience and resources that for some reason I had decided it was earlier.

We got on to lapbooks after that and Lucas decided he wanted to do Dragons.  After a bit of research on the computer he created a beautiful title page.  Oscar was drawn in and wanted to do Dragons too so he spent ages drawing a wonderfully detailed picture on the cover and then after an hour pronounced it “no good” and wanted to have a new cover to start again.  Damn!  12pm and nothing to show for his morning – or so I felt at the time.

The car was still in the garage (having come back making more noises than it did before we spent the £750 on it last week.  Eeek) so we weren’t going to be able to make it to Harberton with all the friends we take so that took the time pressure off.  I just like to try to do everything but it really doesn’t always work for everyone.

The day got better in the end as we went to the library and they had some lovely books on Dragons that the kids (particularly Lucas) have taken a real interest in this evening.  I am beginning to see how this lapbook idea might work well.  It’s unrealistic to think that they will get the jist of it straight away.  I’m wondering if I should do my own alongside as otherwise I am bound to interfere with theirs too much.  Joth also picked up a 6ft x 3ft piece of plywood for the boys to start their scenery.

Oscar went to orchestra later on and I taught one pupil afterwards and then we did manage to finish all their practise before 9pm. I think it was better practise than they often do in the morning too so perhaps I need to let go of the feeling that we always need to do everything before lunch. Lucas particularly was playing beautifully tonight on the violin.  He concentrated so well on all the details and the good practise he has done recently is really paying off.

I was really looking forward to reading Anton some stories then but he wouldn’t clean his teeth so I said “No clean teeth, then no books and no feed,” (yes, I must read that non-coercive parenting book again – although I would like to find one that is aimed at toddlers rather than older children, particularly when there is more than one child involved).  To my surprise he giggled and switched the light off, lay down and went to sleep!   He just wanted me to cuddle him while he stroked my face and whispered strange incantations, sounding like a wise old sage.

And so, I’m just hoping I can go with the flow better tomorrow as I think over today and all the bits that felt difficult at the time but in retrospect don’t seem nearly so bad.

Deep questions

I don’t see much of the older boys on Mondays and Tuesdays, as the minute they get back from Acorns I start teaching violin until 8pm.  Lucas had been saving this question up though.  He seems to be going through a time of spiritual questioning but has obviously come up against a problem:

“Mum, if I started believing in God, what would I do when my birthday is on a Sunday, ’cause it will be in 2012?”

It turns out he is of course worrying about having to go to church every Sunday, even on his birthday.   All this before he has worked out the believing bit.

He has been questioning me quite a bit about belief recently (knowing that neither Joth or I believe but that other people he knows do).  They know I will (and have done) happily take them to church/synagogue/mosque or wherever might be requested and we explore lots of beliefs.

He wanted to know the other day how anyone can be sure about God if no one’s seen him so we had quite an interesting chat about what having “faith” means.   I do so love having these chats with them and what a privilege it is to have a little window in to their thoughts.   I try to just provoke more of their fresh thoughts rather than burden them with my stale ones.